Nothing.
"SOLVED: Just buy a new printer." "HP support sent me this link but it's 404 now." "After 6 hours I got it working. Then Windows Update killed it again."
He downloaded three different driver packages. One was for Windows 8. One was a "universal" driver that recognized nothing. The third was an executable named Full_Webpack_1324.exe 鈥攁 file that felt less like software and more like a dare.